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Having over 30,000 followers is a crazy thing. Like sometimes I kind of can't wrap my head around the fact that 30K people choose to follow me and see what I eat, where I'm eating, and the occasional post of my face.
Often times I think, "How can I utilize this platform that I've created to help people? To help inspire people beyond what to order for dinner?" As 2018 continues on, it's also caused me to take a step back and digest some of the truly amazing things that have happened in my life up to this point: graduating college, starting post-grad off with a dream job, having my writing published on Forbes, having my life-long Carrie Bradshaw dream of being published to Cosmo, all while making so many connections with people in different industries. And at the end of the day, none of these things would have been possible if it weren't for Hungry Grl and having the ability and confidence to put myself out there into the world.
But, I wasn't always like this.
Growing up, I was extremely athletic. I played soccer since I was in kindergarten, and moved onto filed hockey when I got to middle school. And then from ages 13 to 14, from middle school to high school, my body went through a change that truly affected all aspects of my life. From one summer to the next, I went from a flat-ish chest to something I had no idea how to handle, stretch marks on my thighs and stomach, thighs that touched and hips that were "large." One summer I went from wearing Billabong triangle bikinis and pretending I was a pro-surfer and the next I was wearing underwire tops to my friend's pool looking like a model for your Grandma's favorite store. Dressing for a non a-cup body at age fourteen grew to be the bane of my existence.
The only thing that was clear to me at that age about my body was: I needed to be ashamed of it. I hid under clothes that covered the things about me I didn't want anyone to see. When I started working in Manhattan at age sixteen, cat calls brought me to tears and quite frankly scared the shit out of me. I wanted nothing to do with my body. I didn't prioritize taking care of my body and making sure I was exercising and eating well. And quite frankly, I considered undergoing procedures so I wouldn't have to worry about my developed chest being sexualized and getting in the way of what really matters: my mind and abilities.
However, I was too wrapped up in my external that it completely took away from my internal success. Hiding my body meant I also hid my mind: there was not an ounce of self-confidence to be had, my heart raced when I had to speak up in class, even if it was just to read a sentence from a book aloud in English class, and I had no voice or real opinions of my own. Don't get me wrong, high school was a life-changing time for me filled with endless opportunities, but I was in no way the best version of myself that I deep down knew I could be. I resented my body and just wished constantly I didn't have the body of someone that wasn't celebrated in society and was instead not relatable to anyone I saw on television, or in advertisements and magazines. While my friend's were wearing Victoria's Secret bathing suits throughout high school, I was struggling to find tops that covered me at all. Nothing I wore made me feel confident; even dress shopping for my ninth grade semi was dreadful. I was someone that always drew confidence from fashion, I literally even went to fashion camp when I was twelve and dreamed of the day where I met Tim Gunn, and this all changed when my body changed.
Fast forward to college, where I said peace out to my small New Jersey town and went away 6 hours to the city of Pittsburgh. Imagine how scary that is (and I know a lot of my fellow Pitt followers can relate): packing everything you own up and shipping off to a city you've never been to and living with people you may have never met before. Thank god I loved my freshman year roommate and still do to this day, but my freshman year taught me that you truly are a reflection of who you surround yourself with. I made friends that prioritized eating well and going to the gym. I met people with amazing dreams and opinions that were so vocal they gave me chills. I had about 30% of an idea of what I wanted to do with my life, and then after joining a club called Her Campus, I knew I had to become a writer.
Her Campus at Pitt, a chapter of a nationally published online magazine by college students, brought me to a group of supportive girls that enjoyed writing about topics all over the map. It was with this group of people that I discovered my passion and talent for writing, and is what lead me to write my first article about my body. I wrote this as my junior year came to an end, and a time in my life that I could truly felt confidence throughout myself. I declared my majors, I had amazing internships and extra-curricular experiences under my belt, and I had a growing Instagram account (maybe you've heard of it?). I was also coming home from a semester studying in Florence, Italy and was reeling in everything I had seen and experienced. With my senior year approaching and a position as Her Campus' President coming with it, I was able to say I was proud of myself. I was able to take a look at my past 3 years at college and say, look how far you've come. I started speaking out more, I started branching out and meeting new groups of people, and most importantly I started completely loving and embracing the body I was in. I respected myself and said "fuck off" to people that didn't. It was a breakthrough I not only needed but prayed one day would come.
April marks the one-year mark of me graduating college, and it is truly astonishing to me that I have made so many things happen for myself in the past year. I do legitimate business through Hungry Grl, I am able to start and have conversations with people I've never met before, and most importantly I know I have a voice that matters and have formed opinions about things that matter to me. But none of this would have been possible without developing a deep connection with myself, for myself.
When people ask for one piece of advice I would give to anyone trying to pursue their dreams, I tell them two things:
1. No one will believe in you if you don't believe in yourself.
2. Loving yourself first is necessary before anyone else can.
In a world where we can swipe for dates and hookups through more than one app, it's easy to fall into a trap of feeling like you need someone else to feel whole. But, I can't stress enough that feeling whole started with yourself, first. You need to develop a love and respect for yourself before you can open yourself up to others, and even before you put yourself out into the world, whether it's your art, or writing, or just expressing yourself and just being you.
The moral of this story is, I don't come from a place of continuous self-love and respect for myself. Trust me, even today I have bad days and point out something I wish I could change about myself, but then I remember who I am. Her Campus and Hungry Grl are stepping stones that helped me become who I am today. They helped me believe in myself and confirmed I am a damn good writer, and I can create and run a brand and business, and I can have a voice and speak out about what matters. And like a miracle, I can also love my body, from my chest to my big hips and thighs that touch and the stretch marks on my thighs and stomach and ass, and accept myself for these things that weren't once celebrated. I wish I grew up in the age of Ashley Graham, and Demi Lovato and Iskra Lawrence and all of these brands embracing body positivity, but it is definitely better late than never. And if my own story can help just one person come closer to their own body confidence, then I have made one difference that I would like to see in the world.
This past week, I spent time away from a snowy April and embraced Florida sunshine with open arms. And I also wore a string bikini for the first time in about 10 years. As nervous as I was (even though no one cared or knew this was even a thing) I did it. And I loved every second of it.
My inbox and email are always open for questions, concerns, and just someone to talk to. Remember you are so much more than your body and you were put on this earth for a reason; find what that reason is and work as hard as hell to make your dreams come true. And never stop.
Xo,
Hungrygrl